A Slightly Adapted Biblical Tale
Mark 15&16
(Seriously like, it’s actually in there!)
And as soon as it was morning, the chief judge held a consultation with the elders and scribes and the whole Council. And they bound the club and led it away and delivered it over to Frank and Irene. And Frank and Irene asked it, “Are you the Rebel Army?” And it answered them, “You have said so.” And the chief priests accused it of many things (namely the matter of a missing €164,000) And Frank and Irene again asked it, “Have you no answer to make? See how many charges they bring against you?” But the Rebel Army made no further answer, so that Frank and Irene were amazed.
The Rebel Army is delivered to Be Crucified
Now at the feast they used to release for the public one prisoner for whom they asked. And among the criminals in prison, who had committed the crime the Rebel Army was accused of, there was a man called Tommy No Bobs. And the crowd came up and began to ask Frank and Irene to do as they usually did for them. And they answered them, saying, “Do you want us to release for you the Rebel Army?” For it perceived that it was out of envy that Frank and Irene had delivered the club up. But the chief priests stirred up the crowd to have him release for them Tommy No Bobs instead. And Frank and Irene again said to them, “Then what shall I do with the club you call the Rebel Army?” And they cried out again, “Crucify it” And a voice from the back, from a man they called Michael of the Tracksuits, a law enforcer himself, said to them, “Why, what evil has it done?” But they shouted all the more, “Crucify it!” So Frank and Irene, wishing to satisfy the crowd, released for them Tommy No Bobs, and having scourged Cork City, they delivered it to be crucified.
City Mocked
And the soldiers led it away inside the palace (Dalymount Park), and they called together the whole battalion. And they clothed it in old Echo newspaper, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on it. And they began to salute it, “Hail, the famous Cork City!” And they were looking forward to one less trip down the Caaaarkies, and planning their celebration party that evening. And when they had mocked it, they stripped it of the newspaper and put its own pyjamas on it. And they led the club out to crucify it.
The Crucifixion
And they compelled a passer-by, JFK, who was coming in from the country, to help the Rebel Army carry its cross. And they brought the club to the place called Abbostown (which means Place of a Skull). And Frank and Irene offered it some Shamrock Rovers branded hard boiled sweets, but it did not take them. And they crucified it and divided its garments among them, casting lots for them, to decide what each should take. And it was the third hour when they crucified it. And the inscription of the charge against it read, “The Rebel Army, King of the Caaaarkies” And with it they crucified another robber, one on his right known as the Candystripe. And those who passed by derided it, wagging their heads and saying, “Aha! You who would destroy the Dirty Dubs having spent three days travelling, save yourself, and come down from the ‘De Cross!” So also Frank and Irene with the other Junkies mocked it to one another, saying, “It saved others; it cannot save itself. Let Cork City, the Rebel Army, come down now from ‘De Cross that we may see and believe.” Those who were crucified with it also reviled the club. And when the eleventh hour had come, there was darkness over the whole land
The Resurrection
But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, the club’s supporters went to the tomb, taking the funds they had been preparing for months, the hard work they had put in and the application they had prepared. And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in they did not find the body of the Rebel Army. While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men stood by them in dazzling apparel, for they were the men in the jackets. And as they were frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? It is not here, but has risen. Remember how you sang, while it was still in Cork, that the Rebel Army will never truly perish? And they remembered his words, and returning from the tomb they told all these things to the eleven and to all the rest. Now it was Michael and TickTok and Éanna that told them. Then the People of Cork rose and ran to the tomb; stooping and looking in, they saw the Green and Red scarf by itself; and went home marvelling at what had happened.